Second Coming of Red
by dafuckingshit
Summary: Finished the pokemon league and caught mewtwo... But now there isn't much else to do I mean you are already the best in the world, right? This was also Red's opinion so instead of giving in to the wishes of the voice in his schizophrenic mind what about just doing it again? Never mind the fact that the definition of madness is to repeat actions expecting different results...Oh well


"Hello and welcome to PokeTV! Today we have with us the crowned champion of the Kanto Region Pokemon League, Pallet's own Trainer Red!"

"'sup..."

"Red! You better than any of us understand what it feels like to be the very best that ever was! Could you share with us?"

"It's ok."

"Ooh, it seems the tales of this talented boy's modesty weren't tales after all! I'm sure we all would like to know the tales of your first championship, but, as we hear it, it wasn't your last!"

"Yeah, I kind of just did it again."

"That you did! Please do share!"

"Well...it started with a visit to mom..."

…...

"Do you really just wear the same change of clothes every single day? Did I teach you nothing?"

"Mom, I washed them every day."

"And these sneakers? How are they still usable?"

"Mom-"

"Oh my God, did you climb a mountain?! Your backpack is completely worn out!"

"Well, actually-"

"What does my poor baby boy get to out there? What is he put through? Oh my Lord!"

"Mom...this is why I don't visit you anymore."

Another bacon and eggs breakfast in another boring day in Pallet. Things just weren't interesting to someone who'd beat an entire Pokemon League, destroyed a criminal organization by force and then faced another champion before coming back, all the while capturing god-level creatures for the sole purpose of shits and giggles. Yes, he'd had a good run. Zapping Misty, blowing Blue to kingdom come every couple of days. But now there he was. Back in his parents' home, not even a year later, and still taking shit from his mother.

"I swear to Arceus, you're never leaving my sight again! Gyms, caves, mountains! It was a mistake to let you go!"

"Mom, this is why dad left yo-"

Red dropped his fork. That was it. He'd just have to leave again! Gyms! Caves! Mountains! The best thing he'd ever done was leave! So why not do it again?

 _Because it's fucking retarded._

Ah, there it was. What most people called the voice of reason. The conscience. The humanity in humans. Unfortunately for it, it wasn't in charge of the body, Red was in charge of the body! And Red would do whatever he wanted!

 _This is fucking stupid. Seriously, you already beat this league! What the hell do you hope to accomplish?_

He'd need socks, and underwear, and a new backpack, and a dope-ass cap twisted to the side-

 _You're really doing this, aren't you?_

\- and get a new pokedex and pokeballs and-

 _Why, of all people did I have to end in YOUR head?_

-lastly, a Pokemon! He'd have a pick from one of his boxes, since he was sick and tired of Pikachu's shit. Honestly, it didn't even want to evolve!

"Mom, I have to do something, I'll be back later!"

It's possible she hadn't heard him, since she'd never finished her rant, but it wouldn't matter. He was already out the door and running for the PokeCenter. A new adventure! With new people, and new victories and new stories and best of all – no mom!

He stormed into the red-roofed place, ignoring the polite salute from the first of fifty nurse joys he'd met in his life. Making a beeline for the pc, his head faced the first of many dilemmas...which pokemon to take? Of course he'd have to start fresh! What fun was it to storm through? What fun was it to have a bitchy little yellow turd of an ingrate jumping all over the place and refusing to evolve?

 _Ugh...maybe this isn't so bad after all. It could be a good exercise. We should take this chance to use one of the rare pokemon we found last time. It could really shed some light on the knowledge Professor Oak was looking for an-_

He'd rummaged through every single "box" and decided. One of the sixty zubats would be the chosen one! The shittiest pokemon known to man (oh would he be surprised to encounter bidoof) would wipe out an entire league amongst it's new companions!

 _A zubat? Are you fucking serious?_

Such a graceful little creature! Wings quick as lightning and a screech that could make a mole go deaf!

 _Fine. Take the zubat. See if I care. I don't care. I'm just in your head, I don't need to give a shit._

He'd evolve it into a golbat! And make it learn U-Turn! It would be glorious! With a Sludge Bomb, nothing would be able to stand tall against it!

 _Words cannot express how much I hate you._

Not a minute later, the young champion was out, with the purple bat floating around like a butterfly in utter glee. What had he done in another life for God to be so kind as to choose HIM to be released from the horrible virtual prison?

"You need a nickname. What should we call him?"

 _Well, it should definitely be something intelligent and solid! After all, as a Zubat, he has many challenges to face in order-_

"Got it! Houdini! Because you pulled a trick out of your ass to be the one to travel with me, and will have to pull many more to survive!"

… _.the only thing comparable to my amazement at your stupidity is my surprise at your intelligence_

"Also because there was a documentary on tv this morning about him and it's the only thing I could come up with!"

… _.. sigh...just kill me..._

"GET READY, WORLD! RED AND HOUDINI ARE GOING TO FUCK. YOU. UP!"

 _...Why...why, Arceus..._

"AGAIN!"

…...

…...

 **END OF CHAPTER 1**

 **Aaaaand, that was chapter 1, bruvs. Chapter 1 of a fantastic adventure of stupid and deplorable. As always, favorite or review or whatever, just read the fucking paper.**

 **ciao**


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